


Truth and Lies

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, During Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-04
Updated: 2010-09-04
Packaged: 2018-09-03 12:35:13
Rating: Teen & Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8714161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Dean's never really been very good with the truth. Sam has never been really good at the lying.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

This thing is fuckin’ killing me. 

 

There are a lot of ways I would picture things going wrong, but this? It was not on the list. I thought it was under control. But, too many nights of watching. Too many nights of thinking about stuff I have no business thinking about at all. That habit. Can’t kick it. No cure. Before I would even acknowledge the feeling I got watching him talk to some girl, all soft smiles and shy shuffling. Figured it was just pride. The whole “that’s my boy” thing. Little Sammy growing up. Making friends. 

 

He knows too and finally gives in, hanging his head, hands deep in the pockets of his zip-up and he looks dejected and lonely. Fuck. 

 

-How you doing over there?

No distinct answer. It’s a grumble and a rumble and a sigh. Sam answers finally with the obvious question. 

-Where are we? 

-Back roads. Middle of … You know. 

-Same place we started out from. 

-You get some sleep?

-Some. 

 

Lies, lies, lies. We do that a lot. I guess it makes things easier. Maybe it’s just force of habit. I guess we play at the edge of things so often it becomes a pattern. Sam wanted normal. I guess I understand that, but here we are. Miles and miles from Normal and all the way into ‘just us now’. I can’t deal with that right now. Needing to break the monotony I try for something else. Sam doesn’t want music. Staring out the window. All of a sudden he sweeps his gaze over to me. 

 

-Did you mean what you said? 

-What? 

 

I know what he’s talking about, but I can’t do this right now. 

 

-Dean… You’re my brother and I love you, but I swear if you don’t tell me the truth right fucking now I will give you the righteous ass-kicking of a lifetime. 

 

I choke back the automatic response. I don’t want to get into the whole “yeah, you and which army” because if I do he’s going to be pissed. That will be more trouble than it’s worth in the long hours of silence that will follow. 

 

-Sure, I meant it, whatever. I have no idea what you’re talking about, though, princess. 

 

Okay. Let’s see what he’ll make of that. That was honesty. Well, sort of. Mental check… what had been said? Oh, yeah, that’s right. But to be fair I thought he was out cold at the time. I said a lot of stupid shit, the kind of things you say when Sammy’s out cold, bloodied and bruised. Something about … don’t die? Don’t leave me? You’re all I have? It could have been any of those things or all of them. Words falling out of my mouth so fast I kept having to remember to breathe.

 

The shit I can’t deal with. That’s what all this is about. There is a lot of it. I know it doesn’t matter what I want. The terms are set anyway and everything else it what it is and I just keep running. It doesn’t mean I have to like it. 

 

Give me one quiet moment in between the fights and I’m good. That’s all I’m saying. I can deal with most anything. We ride, side by side, for hours on end and there’s no conversation. When we talk all we do is argue and bitch. The gap widens every day. That’s all I’m saying right now. The incidentals I catch along the way might have been enough if I hadn’t fallen into the trap of caring too much in the first place. 

 

Being selfish is damned dangerous. Wanting something for yourself is terrifying. Telling the truth is just stupid. We both know it’s a weakness. A moment of peace, a moment of forgiveness. A moment of truth. Nothing good comes out of it. If I say I care I’ll be punished for that too, because I was taught I might have to sacrifice. Theoretically I was fine with that, but I found I could not do what was asked of me after all. Couldn’t raise a weapon against my charge. Couldn’t do the necessary. Couldn’t go on without. Fell into the trap of wanting something for myself. 

 

Now all we do is fight when we both want the same thing. Hours of quiet, desperate anger and then … fighting. I don’t really want that anymore. 

 

In some no-tell motel I finally snap. I push him twice, shoulders tight and mind spinning. We keep staring each other in the eye, neither of us able to say anything that isn’t hurtful and stupid and I am sick of it. I am sick of arguing about what we shouldn’t have done. So I do the other thing. I close the distance. I grab a handful of his shirt. I give him one, hard look and ball my hand into a fist. If we are going to keep clashing then I want it to be physical. I can’t keep this up. It’s killing me. 

 

His gaze travels my face. He takes in the look in my eyes - it’s dark, I know. Then, avoiding my eyes, he stares at my mouth. I guess he’s waiting for the words. I think I am too. I know that if I speak now I am going to say something crass. Just when I decide to let go and walk out he grabs the hand clenched in his shirt and takes a breath. I hear him say “fuck it” and then he leans in and his lips are on mine, swallowing any other words. I should want to try to wrench free. 

 

This is the shit I can’t deal with.

 

We shouldn’t do this. We shouldn’t touch like this. He shouldn’t be in my space making it so I can’t breathe. Sucking all the air out of my lungs, tripling my heartbeat. He is still holding back, trying to sound the depth of my conviction, trying to assess how far I will let him take it. He knows damned well how far I will go. He’s already got everything that is mine, everything I have, everything I am. So I kiss him back. Hungry and angry and messed up.

 

I don’t want to need this. I don’t want him to want this. We are so screwed. 

 

I tell him just that. There’s a harsh, meaningful smile on his lips and for a second I think he’s going to clock me. It would be a relief if he did. But he just nods. One single nod. Then his lips are sealed over mine and his hands are fucking everywhere. 

 

I’m not being coy, or cute, or smart. I don’t want this. I can’t want this… but I need it. I’m giving this five more seconds and then I am going to put a stop to it. I’ll find some justification, some excuse. When I try to pull back he growls into me. “No”, he says. He’s grabbed my shoulders and he’s holding me close, keeping me there. Looking hard into my eyes. 

 

-I started this. 

-No, you didn’t…

-For once in your sorry-ass damned life just…Shut up, he says and leans in slowly, holding off a fraction of an inch just waiting for me to meet him. 

 

It’s a tiny little distance to go, I don’t think that this will help. I search his face, his eyes. There’s a battle. He’s asking me to cave. He’s trying to make me damn him. I won’t do it. I’ve gone too far already. I am not going to put him in harm’s way. Not like this. Not just for something to hold on to.

 

-You don’t want this you gotta tell me now, Dean. 

-I don’t want this, I tell him. 

 

But my heart is beating so loud he’s got to hear it and I’m already hard enough to knock one out of the park and all we did was kiss. He looks at me for a little while longer and I’ll throw a punch if I have to. 

 

-Liar, is all he says before he takes back the little space he gave me and kisses me like he’s trying to climb inside. 

 

I’ll let him. I’ll let him do anything. The truth is kind of ugly that way. 

 

 

The End


End file.
